more junkyard photos

my friend... has graciously sent me a few photos that more accurately describe my state of thought... "this is more junkyardy, tah" she said...


this one is called "pile of crap" - she thought it was very well suited to my post.

and the following... just relates to the amount of crap that is there...

junkyard of thought

well, i've been told by several people these past few days that my writing is extremely difficult to sift through. my initial response to most of these people: quit being so lazy.
but then, and forgive me for saying this, i was told by one of my closest... well, i guess you could call her a friend, by one of my closest friends that my way of thinking is not a "train of thought" as one would hope in normal circumstances, but a "junkyard of thought".
of course, being who i am, i find this statement quite fascinating, and obviously quite true (for the record, i am not afraid of the truth. i am, however, afraid of what people like to pass as the truth - see freemind is dead) so, for this blog post, i want to try to find out what constitutes a "junkyard of thought", prove to you beyond a doubt that that really is all that there is in my mind, and then see what kind of an answer i'll get from you folks!

now, the term train of thought suggests that there is a tangible link between one idea or concept and the next, and that it is presented in such a fashion. this goes to the heart of the five-paragraph essay, which we all had to write at some point, and are still struggling to escape. so as you can see from the train shown above here, usually these ideas will be old, traditional, black and coal-run steam engines (ie. not very fast)
however, even slower are those rusty, old pieces of metal that you will find in a junkyard. the picture at right shows a perfect example of the types of trains found in my mind. (i believe you can also find them in some communist countries as well... and in dundurn.) as you can see, these trains are old, rusty, and unlinked.. and three out of the four would have once been engines... lending power to the other cars and pulling them through it all. my thoughts are very much like this junkyard. they could have once done some service to the world, but now they only pollute, are being degraded and are extremely unpleasant to see.
now, my friends that cannot understand my writing probably find this to be true.
the only thing that scares me is this: to those of you who think you can understand me better by reading this blog... what does that say aboug me in general???

the above is dedicated to the one who cleans out my junkyard. you know who you are...

new post.

well, it strikes me that my posting has become quite haphazard (sorry for the spelling shawn and sahar... i'll say this: to shawn, i'm persian, excuse me; to sahar, i'm canadian, please, allow me to beg for your pardon) (alternatively, if i did spell haphazard right... hah! in your faces! - not really....)
anyway! moving SWIFTLY onwards.... saskatchewan as it were...
right, so my posting is quite random these days. i apologize to my loyal readership that no longer includes even samira. *sniff, sob... almost tear... so therefore, i've decided to write more often, as my goal of having a brilliant readership which consists of the liquid crystals in this display has been accomplished... (and also because a good friend of mine insists that i write more)
today, i have two thoughts. the first is about books, and the second is about dreams (as in goals and aspirations)
*also, may i ask that those of you who do not yet speak french learn damned quickly.. i really don't know how much longer i can keep the one language only thing up... my brain's too screwed up for that!
last week, i was honored to receive a few books... and after having read most of italo calvino's "if on a winter's night a traveller", i'm beginning to see books in a different light. see, they've always been this other world that i've escaped to (as most persian children will do... especially in the area that i live in) but books are extremely personal. i remember, back when i was 12, my uncle kasra gave me two books - pride and prejudice, and david copperfield. two books which have graced my bookshelf, and brought honor to my library.... and with which i hope never to part! and it's funny, because they've really affected me. david copperfield i still have not finished, 7 years after the fact... but pride and prejudice i've read dozens of times, (it's even travelled with me), and it has greatly influenced my life and my relationships with other people... (to all those guys who say they don't know what women want.... read pride and prejudice. trust me. it's all there) how can i explain this..
ah yes.. teegan, sahar and i. (i hope you two will not mind my using your names... feel free to yell at me later).... us three are quite the little group when it comes to music. sahar and i, well, we have quite similar taste... but that's mostly because i think, we're similar in a few ways... i personally, like her taste in music mainly because most of it is rock/punk/slightly pop type stuff.. and i like to blast my brain cells dead as opposed to drink them dead. now... the other day, teegan and i were out... and teegan had made a mixed cd, and she stuck it in my cd player for a friend of ours to listen to... she made a comment along the lines of "tahereh doesn't like my music, she hates it, and likes sahar's type of music." now, the thing is this: i poke fun at both girl's taste in music, mostly because that's what i do best - and me being honest is, well, quite a hard thing! however, if i ever did take the time to actually listen to both types.... (let me add that sahar's burnt me so many cds that that's my cd collection right now... so teegan, really!) haha, no it struck me that music, no matter what type it is, is quite personal.. to the extent that it occured to me that i do not like people to hear or see my humble collection.... teegan and sahar are both confident people, and so they are proud to show off most of the music they like, and state it like a fact: THIS is good music.
now, the same applies to books. my collection is quite odd, really.. a mishmash of scifi, poetry by the likes of blake and rumi, religious texts galore (from various faiths), textbooks, history... classic novels by such noted authors as chopin, austen, moore and conrad... it's by no means complete, and i have a lot that i need to add to it but it also does not include all the books that i have read in my life.... and to most of you, i'd be hard pressed to admit to what does and does not appeal to me. the reason, i guess, is simple, it's a bit of a back door into my life... isn't it? and is it not so with all art forms?
what about the paintings and posters that hang on my walls? what does that say to you about me? or the sheet music on my shelf... and the films next to them?
so now we come to the idea of sharing art with others... i find it's hard enough to give someone a cd, or a novel that i think they should read... and then i worry about giving them something i've written myself... yikes! it's like you're opening a door for them... one which perhaps should not be opened.
in any case, so i received a few books.... all from the same source.. and it strikes me as interesting, because i wonder why these ones? i'm positive that the giver could not imagine what the feelings of the receiver would be upon receipt of the pieces... so that could not have been his motivation... so then what was it? (note: to answer this question, all necessary information has been given... hehe no tricks.)
in any case, i've completely lost my train of thought... must read more of "in a winter's night a traveller"...
i've also been wondering today about dreams... and destiny... one's Personal Legend as one author puts it... actually... i'm sorry... my mind's a bit too convoluted to write about this just now...
perhaps tomorrow...
ah, here's a question for you, however....
how much should one sacrifice for one's goals?

oh valentine's day...

well, today is the day before that oh-so-horrible day... valentine's... disgusting really... the most pointless of all holidays... well, perhaps there are more pointless ones.... no, actually, i can't think of any just now..
in any case... you all know the usual characteristics about this time of the year... disunity.... anxiety... pain... commercialism... pressure... depression, as well, probably. i find this all very fascinating...
i, personally, barely remembered that vday was this week - until my friend aired a radio show that was basically an "ode to vday".. and well, this same friend keeps on reminding me about it... and while her and i are quite similar, i guess on this point we differ... whch is interesting because i really don't know what to attribute it to. i'm not any more calm, cool or collected.. and i certainly do not have her confidence about life... so i can't figure it out.
in any case, i find this quite fascinating... that a holiday so secular we no longer know its true roots - or even have much of a myth to go by - can have such an influence over us that we actually think that on this one day everything should be about romance and love.
i know what you're going to say to that... it's my first thought as well. our society is quite commercial and consumerist and vday is merely another commercial break... however, i do wonder if there is more to it. because with this day... you either hate it or you love it - and you can cross between the black and white so that if a person hates it one year, they might love it the next.. just depending on their life situation.
anyway.... it's way too early in the morning for me to be any more thoughtful than i am...

Bedside Manners.

you know, it's funny. doctors, and i do this all the time, are always ragged on for how little "bedside manners" they have. they're expected to have this considerate, caring demeanor and to know exactly what facial expression to have at exactly the right time... so when a patient doesn't get the treatment they expected.... well, it's obviously the doctor's fault, right?
so it is with other things in life... a friend of yours will do something you didn't expect them to do - maybe said something to you that was out of line... or behaved in a manner completely opposite their personality... so you ask yourself "who the hell is this kid that i thought i knew so well?" .. you don't stop to ask "why is he/she acting this way?"
my point is this: when someone does something unexpected, our reaction should not be to lash out at the individual for being unpredictable or going against their responsilibilities or whatever... but it should be one of loving-kindness.. soothing almost.. what if the person's reason was escape? or fear? or out of love?
did you stop to ask?
i know this one kid that'll stop an argument or a discussion when it gets too loud... his brain just shuts down, and all you can get from him is an "ok" or "as you wish". and it's weird, because even just a year ago, he would've punched back that much more harder.... but now, you couldn't have slapped him and gotten a more adverse reaction.
weird, no?
but i wonder, if you even just take the time to give the kid a hug, and ask him what's goin on.. will he react in the same way? (btw, for brevity and clarity i've used the pronoun "he" - the kid in question, however, is not necessarily a male).
my point is this: before you get mad at the doctor, friend, or whoever who does something that you didn't expect - be a little compassionate... ask yourself what on earth could've gotten him to do this... and be a little more soft spoken... you might just be surprised at the results...
and his justification might even be reasonable!